Dealing with Difficult People

Most "strategies" for dealing with difficult co-workers involve categorizing someone; as a "hot-head", "complainer, "know-it-all" etc., then following a different approach for handling each personality type. It can be a lot to remember. A simpler approach involves understanding, on a very basic level, why people generally become difficult, and learning a few techniques to use to de-escalate the difficult behavior, regardless of its "type." The goal always is to keep the end in mind.

Your objective is not to change the person, to understand the root cause of their bad behavior, or teach them how to be more pleasant. Your goal is to get what you need from that person (be it information, approval, cooperation, etc.), as quickly and easily as possible, then move on.
People become difficult when they feel like they are losing control--of an outcome, of their future, of their health, of their job security, it could be anything. People become difficult when they can "justify" their bad behavior. For example, if you are rude to me, I may respond very rudely, because I feel your behavior justifies an unkind response.

When people become difficult, for whatever reason, you will have a better chance at getting what you want by responding in any number of ways that will serve to "de-escalate" their behavior. That means if the difficult person is going on a complaining rant, you want to discourage that from continuing. If she is getting angrier, you want to reverse it. If he is stalling, you want to encourage some forward movement.

In a nutshell, here's what will help.

• Don't take difficult behavior personally. This will allow you to respond with logic, rather then emotion.
• Focus on the behavior, not the person. Think of the behavior as a puzzle which must be solved in order to attain your goal.
• Know that the person you are responding to will at times be irrational and unfair. That's not something you need to change. Just accept it as a fact and focus on your objective.
• Reflect. Reframe. Resolve. Let the other person know you hear and understand her concern, frustration, beef, gripe, sob story, etc. Restate conflicts as mutual problems to be jointly solved. Propose a response or solution and invite her opinion.

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